Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
This why you should mind your business