“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?