I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu