@NintenDom: I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
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@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
@clindsaysway: That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the 'close' button
@dinnersruined: How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with? Me: *names two of them*