Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something