Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
☠️☠️☠️
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible