I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
tis the season
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Look at this
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
When I snag the last meatball.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.