I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
mom gave me mine for free