@Insomniac_Medic: I'm going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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@StinkyGr33n: Boss to our group: "Let's talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first." Me: *Goes home*
@YoungNobler: They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, "I wouldn't normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card."
@PaulyPeligroso: Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
@ch000ch: i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time