“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door