@ilovepie84: "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.
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@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@Godhatespants: Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter
@DaHess1: "We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights." - Airlines
@JuliePee: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face. #watersportsgate #goldenshower