“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
You Might Also Like
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.