I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.