@baronvonbike: I'm going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [texting my wife from the barber] WIFE: where are you? ME: just getting my hair cut WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you're done ME:
@egg_dog: imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
@xoCAMILLAxo: I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I'll go back to paper!
@XplodingUnicorn: Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.