I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*exercises sarcastically*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.