Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.