Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams