oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this