I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
That was easy.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat