@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
@TinyNietzsche: Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? "Not to be confused with each other."
@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!