@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless
@fillthevacuum: Why do we never see "Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea"?
@DuckhouseMedia: boss: trouble at home? me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah boss: wife giving you grief? me: there's a bee in my kitchen