I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.