I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!