@Mr_Kapowski: I'm gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads "In queso emergency, break glass"
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@dorsalstream: Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world. Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
@squirrel74wkgn: My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
@illiter8too: SALESWOMAN: (looking alarmed) Well, yes, I guess, technically the dress fits. ME: (limbs and face turning purple) Can you believe this? I’ve never been a size zero!
@AndrewNadeau0: JOHN DONNE: No man is an island. GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.