“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely