I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.