For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying