I should wash my van
We could use the rain
You Might Also Like
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.