Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Had to try this trend 😊
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Breaking news:
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My brain is a bad influence on me
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.