there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The first one, obviously
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”