The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Tastes like chicken.
HELP 😭
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.