Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*