“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water