I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sorry not sorry.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!