“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.