I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
You Might Also Like
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
(Jupiter –
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?