dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Happy Taco Tuesday
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.