If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes