I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me