In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Whoa 😂
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.