*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My whole life was a lie.