“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently