I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.