Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
wait.
At least he brought enough for everyone
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.