“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
You Might Also Like
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.