[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.