@Dawn_M_: [making small talk at a party] Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that's why poor people look like shit?"

@delmolition: Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.

@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"

@markedly: ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship PIRATE: ...Aye ME: 😊 P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya

@RealFartShady: I don't think none of Christopher Nolan's ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.