I’m having an out of money experience.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.