I’m having an out of money experience.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit