I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.