I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”