Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: