ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
my first dose meeting my second
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid