@brownbear952: I'm hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
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@SaraMansford: Netflix: Want to keep watching? Me: Do we really need to do this? Netflix: It's just, it's been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.
@DaddyJew: *something breaks Me: hand me my tools 7: call someone for help Me: no 7 already on the phone: mom, he's trying to fix stuff again
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service* Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."