“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.