“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
the rocks need my help
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.